All your life, you’ve been the unattractive geek in your class; the one with friends but no fame, with grades but no girls (or guys). It’s time you finally realized, finally become who you were truly destined to be: the cool kid.
The definition for cool kids would be the ones you secretly admire, the profiles you stalk when nobody is around. (Don’t worry: soon, you’ll be stalking yourself once you’ve reached your goal) You know who I’m talking about. Of course you do.
So here’s your guide to awesomeness.
Be born rich. You don’t have that blessing? No worries, just fling enough cash in all your gullible friends’ faces and pretend you are that fortunate. Buy some of your way to fame and popularity.
Have bad grades. Front seats are danger zones. Run for your reputation: make your way to the…”zone” i.e. the back of the classroom. Walk that pacing walk of yours as you make your way towards the end of the class and just flop on a chair, swing that bag on to the ground, and smirk. Mission accomplished.
Abandon bowl haircuts. Spiky hair and lots of hair gel is a man’s best friend. Button your shirt up ‘til you choke. Wear tight jeans like you’re molding them onto your skin and get your belt to help you out. An expensive looking watch for telling people how cool you are must be present on your wrist. Sunglasses are a necessity. The sun is shining? Wear shades. It’s raining? Wear shades. There’s a solar eclipse taking place? Definitely wear shades; the shadows will give you the cool effects you’re looking for.
Girls? Sorry, but no geeky braids. Blind yourself with bangs. Also, you’ll want to straighten your hair because it’s conventional law for the cool girls to have ‘naturally’ silky straight hair. Natural looks? Grab your make up and be the Leonardo Vinci you were born to be with your face as the canvas.
Your clothes require not looks, but the class. Remember, they are branded and expensive. No one needs to know you fought for them in Gausia market.
Girls, the floor is yours. The world is your red carpet. Sashay the whole way, whipping your hair as you go along. Lean on any one leg and scoff. You have to master the art of rolling your eyes; roll them ‘til they can power generators. Keep ‘em rolling girl.
Boys, hunch those manly shoulders. Adopt a penetrating stare as you look into the eyes of people as though you’re looking at the very depths of their soul, when really, you’re thinking about how cool your posture looks. Have a lopsided grin as you talk to girls (or guys).Those hands shouldn’t be left idle: shove them into the safety of your pockets and walk like you have all the time in the world.
Ladies, it’s time to pretend Armageddon’s right around the corner. React to everything and anything in the most dramatic way possible.
“Oh my God, did he just look at me? Like, look?”
There are hundreds of other reactions too, but that would make a series of novels.
For guys, be a male Kristen Stewart. Don’t react. No matter what.
Small Tips & Advices:
Presentation of your life matters a lot. Show off how awesome your life is through heavily edited selfies through all your social media. Make sure to type ‘#nofilters’.
Cool kids try to have other cool kids to show off their money and swag to. Go for all the stereotypes available in your area.
Always be ready with the juiciest gossip about everyone, you don’t know when you will need to ruin someone’s life. If you’re feeling particularly masochistic, you can probably add yourself to that list too.
I have bestowed upon you my wisdom. You won’t become a cool kid in a day, maybe not a month, maybe not a year. But to succeed, you must try. There are many ways to the Swag Throne. Maybe one day after being stuck in your Game of Self-indulgence for long enough, you’ll finally become the cool kid you’ve always dream to be.